How many doctors do I still need to consult with? How many times shall I live with pretended hope? How long shall I need to bear the pains? How many times do I need to hide and pretend that I am as normal as anybody else?
I meant not to complain. I meant not to blame. All I need is acceptance. But how is to accept the fact and the truth? I tend to open my eyes and see the most vulnerable man and unfortunate being in my world. I can still say "I AM MORE THAN LUCKY." I have my eyes to see, my ears to hear, my nose to smell, my tongue to taste and my lips to speak to, my both hands to touch, and my feet to walk even though there's something special on them.
All along I pretend to be normal. I tend not to feel the pains and pangs during my younger days. I did what an athletic youth does -- play the best as I can be and be the winner. But during this battle of hopes and dreams, I can sense that I am slowly giving it all up. I tried hard to chaste my dreams and somehow feel it through to success. At the end of every story, as I runned through the finish line, I came to be the winner and loser of all. I gained to achieve my dreams those times of my youth but upon reaching the stage of maturity, I lose all I have worked hard to -- my dreams die. I have to give up all of my physical activities as an athlete. Worst as I can foresee, I can barely walk too long with my foot.
I tried and gumbled. I face all the blames for all this physical pains. But who am I not to go through my dreams? Somehow, I have had asked myself many times if dreams does come true? If it's all worth it to give it another shot or worth to shut it all down into the back of my mind? They say that I can do some other things that may not trigger the pains. But my system all does know is what I am used to. The norms inside me is to be physically active. That's how my life goes during my childhood. But when I slowly feel the pain, I have to change gear in my life. All of a sudden, I am chasing life.
What life has to really offer me?
Years have passed. NOW, I still feel a little hope in me that everything may somehow be corrected without any surgery. I have tried so hard to look for cure even to lessen the pain. Well, therapy does some a little help but for how long? How long I can withstand the expenses and the gruelling effort to maintain a balance in me? How long can I withstand the aches I cry when I am in pain? One saddest truth that bares all of my fears -- the doctor said to me: There's nothing we can really do with it, you can never be pain less coz it's already there. Not unless you want to undergo surgery. But it is not really advisable now. -- those words seems like anesthaesia injected in my veins and made me so numb.
From there, its not about my dreams anymore. It is more on living the life I wanna live. How will I go through this life? ACCEPTANCE is so far to reach. I am still on denial that nothing will be done. But hey, maybe all of my doctor's were right. Coz maybe this is really the life I have to live that my God wants me to pull through.
Acceptance is one aspect I am still learning through. One day at a time, I know I can bear things on my shoulder.
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