Ever dearest Mama,
It has been nearly two years now since the day you said goodbye to us, and I’m still growing up with the pains it stabbed in my heart. The pains of losing the most important person in my life are not an easy task to overcome with in the first place. I thought I can move on easily since I still have lots of people who loves me, but I had come to realized that it is still different having YOU on my side. Each day, and every night I spend my life thinking of you. Oftentimes I ended up crying. Tears just kept on flowing from my eyes because deep inside me, I really do missed your presence in my life. The strength I have showed during your wake was admittedly a mask I tried to wear but it is a realization now that I only hurt myself the more because I ended up losing the battle of strong showing. It seems as if I was a baby girl longing for a mother’s touch, and I cried till I get into sleep when I felt your touch no more.
As I recalled what had happened on the 30th day of November 2006, I have realized that it is not so easy to stand in a situation where time, decisions and love collides for the life of my loved one – you. I showed up a strong willed person in front of many but inside me I was crushing down into pieces. Seeing you in pain without even saying or showing how deep your sufferings at that time were was an absolute bullet upon my chest - Slowly hitting me bulls eye. It tears me apart and leaves me bloodily crying inside. I could not accept the fact that you were leaving for good. I am in denial at the time we were all struggling for your life at the hospital. I was in the midst of holding on or letting you go but in the end, I lose the fight of hanging on to have you instead I set you free knowing in my heart that you are in God’s loving hands. I could not take the sufferings you were experiencing; it hurts more deep inside me seeing you so helpless and we can do nothing at all but to wait for a miracle. I realized then, time is so timeless and been endless during those deepest struggles in my life. Love won’t give you happiness, only a breather to let go the one I love so dearly.
All the memories came rushing back so fast. All the loved you have showed me and our family means a lot to me. As I longed to feel your comfort, I always remembered the very warming motherly embraced you have ever given me one drowning and struggling night of my life, which I thought was the tightest, the longest and very very loving hugged I got from you, Mama. Then you told me that I should be strong no matter what the struggle is; that you were always there to understand me and you told me how you loved me all your life. You told me to hang on with my faith; that I should always PRAY and entrust everything to God because with HIM I won’t go astray and everything will be alright. You know, I could not and would never ever get a sufficing word to describe these enormous feelings nor could even an expensive gift transcend what you have done in my life and to show how much you mean to me.
Let me do this in honor of your memories – all the love and care and all the blessings we shared for so many tough but beautiful meaningful years. This is the only way I know how to share to everyone we know, the thoughts of being loved by an extraordinary mother like you.
Mama, thank you very much for the years you have been there for me, for being a strong woman for our family. I am so grateful and honored to be blessed by having a mother like you. You were the only mother I will endear all throughout my life till the heaven door welcomes me to be united with you.
I love you, Mama!
all my love with hugs & kisses,
_OBEL_
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